i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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