my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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