There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
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