i need an iv and a liver transplant
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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