I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
