I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.