the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I would fuck him just for his dog
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
