when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
