so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
