did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
