break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
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