i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
