he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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