I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
