yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
