tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
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just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
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sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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