the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
