my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
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