New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Randomize
