Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
