1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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