The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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