Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
