u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
