No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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