Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
