see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
my liver is dry heaving
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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