You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
