I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Every concussion has its silver lining
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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