Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I wish there were birth control emojis
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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