i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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