My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
