So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
