So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
How external is "for external use only"?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
