When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
