Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
