My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
