I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
