Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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