i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
