At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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