It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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