I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
