You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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