There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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