I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
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It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
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Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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