My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Randomize
