we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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