she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
