i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
