it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Someone shattered a urinal.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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