That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
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I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
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Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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