it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
