god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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