the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
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