You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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