you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
