A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
