The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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